My tattoo hides the scars from years of self-harm

Jade Dillon started self-harming in her early teenage years, believing for a long time that it relieved the pressure of dealing with depression and a borderline personality disorder.

Now 25, it has been a year since she last self-harmed, and her scars are hidden by a tattoo. Here, she tells her story.

I was about 13 or 14 when it started, and I had known other people who were doing it.

When I first heard of other people doing it, it didn't really appeal to me. But as my depression got worse, that's when I first started.

I had been getting really down about myself all the time. There was no great reason for it - no abuse, no bullying, nothing like that. I was just a really depressed teenager.

It started with just scratching, and from the moment I did the first one, that was it. I couldn't stop.

Self-harming gave me a sense of control - it was something I had control over and it sort of relieved the pressure. It was like that old cliche of it being a release because it made me feel that bit better.

I kept it to myself for a long time. My mum did find out eventually; she found blood on my jumpers, but I still did it.

I did go and see a doctor when I was 17, when I was still doing it, and that's when I got diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder, which had obviously been going on for years by then.

After the diagnosis it got worse and worse because of the stigma back then associated with depression. Everyone would think I was a freak. It's the type of thing that certain people would use against you.

It got worse to the point that I attempted suicide - an overdose - because at that point I wanted to die. I woke up in hospital two days later.

That wasn't long after the diagnosis. It had just all got a bit much for me.

Over the years since the overdose I've really tried to stop, but the self-harming went on until about a year ago. Not as much, but I still relapsed every so often.

When I came out of a pretty abusive relationship, it was from that moment I was so determined to do better for myself, and it really was pure determination.

I have two small children as well, so I knew I had to do something.

I had counselling sessions and other help, but in the end it's been down to me. It's really up to the person at the end of the day, to have that determination.

I still have my ups and downs, but I have been so much better.

The fact I have gone so long without self-harm makes me really proud and it gives me so much confidence and motivation to keep it going. I learnt not to care about the negative opinions of others and I'm not ashamed.

But I got the tattoos to cover the scars for my children, to prevent the questions and confusion later in life. I also did it as I hated having to look at them as it was a constant reminder and also triggered me to self-harm further.

I have a lock and key, which basically signifies that that part of my life is done with and locked away.

But people do need to accept that this is an illness. It is more commonly spoken about these days but there is still a stigma and it needs to be treated like any other illness would be.

:: Jade Dillon writes for Paste BN following the publication of a Glasgow University study which found that one in nine young people in Scotland have attempted suicide and one in six have self-harmed. Anyone feeling emotionally distressed or suicidal can also call Samaritans for help on 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org in the UK.